I used to always think that life needed changing, I always focused on the wrong things.

You see, I'm not superman, I'm just a normal guy, normal life, nothing amazing about me at all, just being honest here, it is just knowing the truth, seeing it that sucked that illusion into nothingness.

I hate philosophy, fuck philosophy.

I was 13, I guess, I really can't remember when this was, there was this thing in me, something that I couldn't point at, something burning inside, something's not right, something's missing, there something I hadn't reached yet, something that was yearning to be discovered yet it never pointed at what to discover.

God? I had my doubts, actually, I stoped beleiving in an imaginary entity up in the sky that's watching everything everybody does, that seeks to be loved, that seeks to care this second and fuck everything up the next. Yeah seriously, that started to show itself up as a big illusion.

Beleiving in an illusion makes you feel safe, but yeah, that's just a false sense of safety, cause it's just the illusion that's giving you safety.

There is no such thing, there is no such thing as one, and that's what started it all, it's just seeing through an illusion, that makes you discover more shit, that there are still more illusions to see through, but there was still something I wasn't seeing.

There was this illusionary gap in me, I had to find something, that something that never showed up, shit man, it fucked me up, it fucked me up so bad, I can't bother to remember it, it was fucked up.

God was a big belief, I saw the illusion of it.

But that wasn't the end.

Something was still leading me on, and I felt like I could never rest until this feeling went, it kept me going, trying to find something, trying to find truth.

I could never find truth anywhere, just surrounded by lies, even if I found something that resonated within me, just would discover later that it was a lie in disguise, just something that fucked it all up more.

Idk about the rest of the world, but living in Egypt, it's really hard to find truth, there are just people everywhere that don't give a fuck about anything, except on shit that doesn't matter. You just got people programmed, yeah, just programmed to do shit, they don't know why they do it, they just make up a reason, and go on with it, like it really matters.

I come from a really protective family, I never was able to be indpendent, unless I fought for it, I don't know why I was fighting, I just kept on fighting, for something I didn't know at the time existed or not.

Truth.

I didn't give a shit about anything, I just had to know, know what? I don't know, but just reach the point where I can see truth shining at my face, smiling at me, then I knew I'd be at peace, then I knew I'd be sane.

So I gave up the false sense of security that came from beleiving in god, and boy was that a tough ride, coming from a religious background and society, that made me an outcast.

I stumbled upon spiritualityy, the spiritual realm and the things thought of as "beyond" reality, or so I thought anyway.

I spent most of my time in that shit, for 3 years I was doing spiritual meditations.

Sure it was great, but it fucked me up more, it somehow opened my mind to stuff I don't think is easy to handle, and it can't be expressed in words, most of that shit can't be expressed in words, language just dresses it up into something that it really isn't.

 And fuck, I gave up so many times, so fucking many times, and each time it felt like there is really no such thing as truth, there is no hope in anything, and that this is how it's always going to be.

But that never felt right.

I thought drugs where the solution, seeing that drugs can stop your thinking for a while, shut up all those thoughts in you're brain that drive you insane.

I was escaping, escaping something, and the funny thing is that I never knew what I was escaping, reality? I don't think I knew what reality was at the time, I was just escaping my own thoughts, I was escaping my own fucking thoughts, how pathetic.

But reality keeps on knocking on your front door, telling you its there, telling you you're making a total fool outa yourself, you're just making this all up, you're just making all this pain, misery, up.

Yes, I was.

Cause when I quit, it just showed that it was this sweet well built cover up to you're thoughts, it's like you have this river of thought, you build a blockade and you think that the water's gone, cause you're living on the other side of the blockade.

Once the blockade just collapses, the water comes rushing in, floods of water everywhere, drowning you.

That river is reality.

But I couldn't stare reality at the face, I was just too scared, I went back to believing in god again, thinking that that was the solution.

"I have sinned, forgive me, save me"

But you can just follow the herd for so long, till you discover that the herd is fucked up, the herd is just a slavery program, the herd is just an idea, the herd is just something to cover up what's really there.

There is no herd, just the imagination of one.

Just an excuse to live in a fuckin misery.

Just a way so the lie you really are can live.

But It all came down to this question
"Who am I?" "What am I"

Now this question drove me crazy.
Doesn't it drive you crazy?

You go through shit, you look in the face of a lie your hole life till you beleive you are it.
You cry, you hurt, you get hurt, you fuck, you get fucked.
But then at the end of the day it all comes down to this one single fucking question.
"Who the fuck am I?!"

Buddhism, yeah, they got the answer. I mean, all those hairless monks that sit around doing nothing but meditate on nothing and do nothing, well they surely would have a reson for that, maybe they knew truth.

But they just blab on on a bunch of shit that you wouldn't really understand, only they could, which is fucking frustrating, it makes me sick, just vomit on their useless existence.

They know the truth but they're to fuckin lazy to point at it, they just want to tell you how cool it is.

I never understood their shit, it made no fuckin sense, and seriously, if you were ever in my place, and read it, never understood it, it's not you're fault, it's just that they're a bunch of retards, really, them knowing truth doesn't make them gods, actually they're worthless, they're just peices of scum on earth.

Alright so fuck you buddhists.

Next thing.

And this one is what fucked me up the most.

"Life is just an illusion!"

Wohoooo, so that's it yeah? yeah I've been looking for ages for truth and that's what you come up with? "Life is just an illusion"

But yeah, since I was dying for truth, anything credible I found in my way I tested it, I took it to the ground, I lived with it whether it was right or wrong, to find out for myself whether it was true or not.

Now this doesn't prove anything, it just means I wanted it, I wanted it more than anything.

I lived with that concept for quite a while, that life was just an illusion, that nothing was real, and for a moment that felt like it made sense.

Yeah it did.

But that bugger of a feeling was still there, saying that I hadn't seen truth yet, I hadn't reached it, I hadn't gotten it.

Cause when I get smacked in the face, I know it's real, when I jump from the 3rd floor, I'd feel it.

Pain is a reminder that it's not an illusion.
And if pain exists, then life does.

Alright, what's next on the list.

2 years ago I stumbled up a self improvement site of Steve Pavlina's.

Now he had this thing he called Subjective Reality, where everything is a dream, including yourself, and that what you are is actually the dreamer of the dream.

And at that point you are not identified with the body, you are identified with the dream world as a whole, because everything in it is you, you're thoughts.

Well that proves what people mean when they say "you are consciousness" you are "all that is" that you are "nothing but everything at the same time"

Alright so I read that, I wouldn't prove it wrong just yet, I had to experience it, I had to put myself deep in it, I had to know if that was the truth or not, or whether it's just a bunch of bullshit.

So what I did is that I assumed it was true, until something came up to prove it wrong, then I'd just drop the whole thing all together.

Did that, seeing life as a dream, I am the dreamer of the dream.

Then it seemed like it made sense, it seemed like this might be the actual truth, although how absurd it may sound, it seemed like that is what it really is.

I had this moment where I completely zenned out, it was a moment where I believed that I was in heaven, that I had finally reached truth.

Everything made sense, and that there is just the dream.

But that faded away quickly though.

I never had that feeling again, therefore the analogy of life as a dream and that you are a dreamer is false, and that it is not the actual truth, but it is so damn close to it.

And that was it, I thought to myself, that I would die for the truth, I would be willing to give up everything, even my family, everything, if truth meant that I would kill myself to find it then that is what I was willling to do.

But I had to test all that could possibly tested out first.

And only when there is no other way but finding out what truth is, I would kill myself, just to find out.

That's how much I wanted it.

There was no turning back, that was an impossible choice, that I would have never took, I could never even look back, I was in a state that there was no possiblity, just a mind set to find one thing.

And that is fucking truth.

Truth

FREEDOM, FREEDOM!

Now while I was browsing through some forums, I found a site linking to the ruthless truth blog site.

I was lead to the Brutal Beginnings ebook that's linked on this blog, you HAVE to check it out. Or die.

And I watched the video, it made me smile.
I just knew right then, that is what I was lookin for.
The video was just leakin of truth.

There is no self.

That's it, that's truth, there is no self.

That seemed fuckin insane, but it felt so right at the same time.

But I still hadn't fully dived deep into it before I could say it was true or false, so that's just what I did. I read the Brutal Beginnings book, requested posting rights for the arena. It was time I was free. And that was the place that would know how to point me to freedom.

So I did it, I went into the arena, and exposed myself, and at the same time really looked at it, looked at it, where is the self?

The body? no, the body lives, the body exists, there is nothing controlling it, the mind/body ornganism is fully functional and "I" have nothing to do with it.

The thoughts? The thoughts exist, the thoughts exist and the thoughts contained loads of shit, I can't control thoughts, the thoughts exist and are created regardless of "me"

Consciousness? what do "I" have to do with consciousness? I mean consciousness just is, there is consciousness but there is no "me" doing it. I mean that even sounds wrong.

Then fuck.

You know, it really is weird, that "fuck" moment.

You realised the biggest illusion that you have overlooked your whole life
"me"

Then I remembered that moment when I zenned out on the concept of life as a dream and me being a dreamer.

It wasn't because I thought life was a dream or that I was the dreamer.

It was cause at that moment there was nothing but life, me being a dreamer implied that I am not in life, that I have to not exist to be a dreamer.

The realization that I don't exist, and that everything else exists, is just so freeing, it's just so freeing that you could never understand it.

You had to experience it.

Everything came to place.
The search was over.

There was never such a thing as "me" to wonder whether I exist or not, I just never existed, that's why it felt wrong.

That's the feeling that was fucking me up, and it was that simple.

That was what it was all about.

I don't exist, life does, everything does, I don't, it's just this, it's just what is here now. Life is not a dream, life is something that you cannot just label, because there is no such thing as "you and life" there is just life.

It all is in perfect place right now.

But I'm ending this bullshit, I am giving people the end result, I am giving them the end, and the destruction of the illusion of search.

You don't exist, really, you don't.

You never did.

Freedom baby ;)